It's been a long time coming. I can finally face my own story.
I have been up and down in weight as far back as high school. I remember looking at myself at 155lbs (a fairly healthy weight for my 5'8" frame) and thinking I needed to do something. I guess I already had an unrealistic perception of what I needed to look like. I ordered fitness dvd's, did fasted diets, and took diet pills that made me shake. I went to college and my boyfriend went to boot camp. When he was ready to graduate, I wanted to blow him away. I walked around the city a lot, got a gym membership, and took diet pills. I did not know what I was doing at the gym, and I only went for a short time 1-2x a week maybe. I knew nothing about how fitness and nutrition really worked. But I dropped weight and felt great when I saw Joe again.
I gained weight in the 8(?) years following. Slowly, at first. Joe and I loved eating out in the city, so we would dine out 3 times a week or so. We both love cooking, but there's nothing like exploring the culinary side of any city.
I did not realize that my body was rebelling against me. I had terrible stomach aches, nightly, after dinner. If we'd be out, I would tell Joe I needed to go home. It was like clockwork. It was so predictable that after months of it, Joe thought I was making it up so he would't stay out at the bar (our after-dinner hangout with friends). To be fair, I don't know what else he was supposed to think.
One of my best friends was getting married and I had to be in a bridesmaid dress. I was about a size 12 at the time, and not feeling great about myself, so I researched quick diets. I went on the juice cleanse for 12 days and dropped a significant amount of weight. It is pretty terrible (and disgusting at times), and you usually gain the weight back eventually, but it helped me get into the smaller size dress I ordered for the wedding.
Also, during the 12 days I noticed the cleanse creator wanted everyone to become vegetarian or vegan after finishing. I was eating animal protein at almost every meal before that, so I thought I'd give it half a shot.
I became pescatarian for a year or so (I did not keep track), and I cooked slightly more healthy, using more organic foods, more tofu and fake meats. I enjoyed it, and I actually didn't miss the meat. That was maybe 4 years ago (?) and even today if I look at a steak, I don't crave it. I never realized that my stomach aches had gone away until months later. I was thrilled and thought it was my new diet. I thought I couldn't handle meat and that the years of protein build up in my intestines was the reason for my nightly stomach pains. In hindsight, the cleanse was probably a good thing for my overall wellness, but only for clearing out my system - not to be used for weight loss.
Even though I thought I was being healthier, I was not losing weight. I bought a BowFlex and a treadmill for my apartment. I was intimidated by the BowFlex and used it for a few weeks, but it eventually became the elephant in the room that caused arguments. I started a Couch to 5K running plan because I hated running. It was doing good things for me, but underneath, I was still mentally broken.
Eating is very emotional, and I used food as reward, as punishment, as a way to soothe boredom, and a way of being productive since I love to cook. I grew from a size 10 to a size 14 in a few short years.
My sister announced she was getting married - and we needed to plan the wedding in 6 weeks. Bring on the stress-food. I had to fit into a dress. The dress-buying experience was humiliating. I had to go to a dress shop where the lady kept asking me to put my hands on my waist (because she could not visually see where my natural waist was), and I ended up ordering a size 18 dress and having it altered down slightly. I thought about ordering a size down but I knew it would be altered anyway, so I continued to eat all the junk and take-out I wanted, figuring I would go on the juice cleanse again before the wedding and trim down enough. Well, that didn't happen. I did not torture myself with the cleanse.
The day of my sister's wedding, I was the biggest I had ever been up to that point. I was torn - I was thrilled for her and crushed for me because I felt awful. I could not cool off, even next to an air conditioner. And the worst feeling was when I was halfway down the aisle, I heard my grandmother exclaim (quietly), <gasp!> "Oh, it's ERICA!". Sigh - she didn't recognize me. Photos after were awkward. I remember one shot where the family was all in a row facing the newlyweds in the center, and I felt squished… my belly against my father. I felt like a sausage with a pretty face, and I was helpless.
I had seen all the Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers commercials, but it seemed like too much work. I was interested in Nutrisystem, but I didn't think Joe would be into it. I mentioned it, but he didn't take my hint that I needed a no-guesswork plan. I stepped on the scale one day to see 205 lbs. I stopped looking after that.
Joe's friend came to visit one day and raved about Nutrisystem, and that's where my weight loss journey truly began.
Joe and I both dove into Nutrisystem, and I was very strict with it. I was not doing any exercise, however. My excuse was that I didn't want to overdo it since I'm changing my diet first. I didn't tell anyone about being on the plan because I was ashamed that I could not do it on my own - that I needed a company to send me food in order to achieve weight loss. Nutrisystem is based on glycemic index, and you add in your own dairy/protein, fruits and veggies. I lost weight slowly, maybe 12 lbs in the first 3-4 months. I was feeling better about myself and started running again, even though I hated it. The weight loss was steady, about 1 lb per week, but after 6 months or so, I was sick of the food and spending the money, and I would start to cheat. I would go off the plan for a day and pick it up the next day. The thing is, I didn't know exactly how to properly substitute the foods on the plan to food in real life, but I tried, and I was moderately successful. It took me about 2 years on and off the plan to lose about 30 lbs. Then, my metabolism stalled. I always thought I had a slow metabolism anyway, but I was no longer losing weight. I was on and off Nutrisystem for a good three years, even when we had to move to Florida.
I was becoming very depressed within myself, yet upheld a positive front and never let on that I was so bothered. It was my health - I was creating obsessive and compulsive habits that I could not break. I had struggled with food addiction for many years before. There is a spectrum, I believe, for food addiction, and everyone has a different type. I was not a binge-to-sickness food addict, nor did I purge. I was not a chew/spitter or anorexic. I hid and snuck "bad foods," and all I could think about was my next meal. I would offer to pay for take out or make excuses or justifications for not cooking in order to eat the foods I craved. My compulsions were so bad that I would go out of my way to get what I wanted. Then hide all evidence.
I did not have a job for about 6 months when we moved to the remote Florida Keys, and I did not have a car. So after I unpacked our boxes, I had nothing productive to do. I would run on the treadmill, starting the Couch to 5k program again, and I was doing well. I wanted to go head-on back into Nutrisystem to lose the rest of the weight I had and finally be done with it, instead of going back and forth. But I found myself craving so many things that I couldn't stay on the plan for more than a few days without giving in to my cravings. Or I would justify a cheat by promising myself, "If I stick to it for 5 days, I can have one small cheat treat." It got so bad that my day would include eating a tub of frosting and popcorn, then feel guilty about it and jog on the treadmill for 40 minutes. In my mind, being 150 lbs would make me happy.
Eventually I was 152, and miserable. I cried to my boyfriend about how upset I was because I couldn't handle the pressure I put on myself… the guilt, the stress. I did not tell him about my diet cheating but I admitted I was a food addict and he tried to help me by saying I wasn't. My weight went back up to 165.
I started an Instagram page and stumbled upon clean eating pages. I researched it a little and it lead me to counting macronutrients ("macros", which are the three large nutrients all food has: fat, carbs and protein). I used an online calculator to tell me the macronutrients I should be eating based on my height/weight/lifestyle/age. I started tracking on the My Fitness Pal app. The calculator told me that if I want to lose weight aggressively, I needed to eat 80 grams of carbs (which is very little), 165g of protein, and maybe 40g fat (I don't remember). I ended up cutting out fruits and veggies because other other foods I ate would fill the carbs quickly. I was very restricted but thought I was doing the right thing. I had begun introducing some meats back into my diet because I did not like protein powder all day. I ate this way for 6 weeks and lost no weight. I thought I must be doing something wrong. What the problem with the online calculator is, it does not take into consideration your diet background. It calculates based on plain numbers. I was eating 1300 calories a day before that… the only way to lose weight if I was already restricted was to drop it down to, say, 1100 calories. I knew that was not healthy, but I didn't know what else to do. My body had become used to the restricted caloric intake and it had become my BMR (basal metabolic rate, the amount of calories your body needs each day without even leaving your bed) and I was stuck there with no way out. Cue more crying, more blame and hopelessness.
FINALLY, here's where the magic happens: on Instagram I discovered IIFYM ("If it fits your macros"), also known as flexible dieting. At the time I thought it was just a philosophy where already-fit people could eat junk food and still lose weight because they were in the gym 4 hours a day bodybuilding and they had rocket-fast metabolisms somehow. Then I saw transformations and read stories of how people changed their lives through reverse dieting, bulking and cutting. How people changed their bodies, their metabolisms, their MINDS - all while eating the foods they wanted. I needed to get on this bandwagon.
I contacted an online nutritional coach I found on Instagram who, to be honest, wowed me with photos of all the "junk food" he was eating while maintaining his physique. I found out I had a crashed metabolism and that he could help me repair it with consistency. I was at my mental wit's end. It was now or never. I enlisted his help and I've never looked back.
I went on a reverse diet, lasting maybe 6 months, slowly increasing my intake. At first, I actually lost a few pounds as my body responded to the new, calculated diet. By the end of the reverse diet, I was 165 lbs (still), and I had gone from eating around 1300 calories with a minimal 80g carbs to eating around 2700 calories and 350g carbs. I was eating SO MUCH FOOD and my metabolism took it all in stride because it was a slow process. I was having full sandwiches again. On Nutrisystem I learned I could never have a sandwich with two slices of bread ever, and here I was enjoying double decker cookie-butter-and-fluff sandwiches on the reverse diet/bulk/gain phase. I was still uncomfortable with my weight, but I knew this was only the first step. We rebuilt my metabolism, and I was enjoying all the foods I love. Moderation is key, and I stress that it is
strict but not restricted. I was eating all the foods I thought I were never allowed. Sugars, starches, "junk foods" (which I feel like I will always write with quotes from now on because they're not "bad" anymore), candy, chips, "good" carbs and "bad carbs", "good fats" and "bad fats"… ALL food is a part of a flexible dieter's diet, just in the right proportions to fit that person's macros.
I got a gym membership and now go 5-6 days a week. I did ZERO cardio during the bulk. It was all about building muscle by lifting weights since I was eating at a surplus. I loved learning that steady state cardio is comparatively ineffective to weightlifting.
I was thrilled with the machine my coach helped me create. It was almost difficult to eat so much food every single day. I was obsessed with it, but in a good way. I have a food scale, I plan my meals out sometimes days in advance, and I try to hit my macros dead on, every day. I definitely still have food addiction tendencies. I would love to eat a bowl of frosting right now… but now that the food is no longer banned, the appeal is slightly less. Plus, if I plan it into my day, I can have it! I usually plan a "fun meal" for each day so I can look forward to it. It feels like cheating but it's all part of the plan when I fit it in, so mentally, it's fun!
I am now in the middle of the "cut" phase where we restrict my intake, add in a little cardio (med-high intensity.. no hours on the treadmill), and continue to weight lift. I am currently in the 150-153lb range and am noticing muscles being carved out since I am leaning out. I don't care about the scale anymore. I use it to update my coach, but how I feel about myself is my top priority now. I want to look badass. I want to feel sexy and look great naked. I want to be strong. I want to be able to say I am in the best shape of my life.
What women in particular have been taught about fitness is all wrong.
We learn that 1300 is the magical number to lose weight.
We learn that cardio will burn all your fat and a million crunches will give you an outstanding six pack.
We learn that eating small meals throughout the day revs up your metabolism, and eating after 8pm will cause your body to store it as fat.
We learn that doing 100 reps with 1 lb weights (low weight, high reps) will tone your muscles, but not to lift heavy because it will make you bulky.
Ladies, listed to me please as I tell you the scientific truth:
1300 calories is not a sustainable number for most people.
Steady-state cardio will make you sweat and lose some weight, but that cardio alone can stall the fat loss process.
You should eat as often as it works for your lifestyle, but you don't have to distribute your nutrients over the day. Your body processes calories in and calories out over time - so technically, you could eat all of your calories in one sitting and the nutrients will have the same effect as if you ate them over the day, every 2 hours. I like going to bed with food in my stomach - I sleep better with serotonin, and I'm still always hungry in the morning. It's all about calories in vs. calories out over the full day/week.
Crunches (and any exercise) WILL help develop the muscles, but if they're hidden behind fat, you won't be able to see them until that fat is shed. Think about it: have you ever seen a man with a fat face, arms and back but with washboard abs? No! You cannot pick and choose where you lose fat; you lose it all over your body. Doing crunches and other muscle building exercises only makes it easier to see the muscle behind the fat.
Lifting low weights does not challenge the muscle. If you give the muscle a challenge by lifting heavier weights, then the muscle rebuilds, bigger, to meet those needs you're asking of it. And muscles consume more calories than fat, so the more muscle you build, the leaner you'll become naturally.
It takes years and years of accumulated gym time to gain the muscles you see on body building competitors - and to be fair, sometimes illegal drugs. Ladies, you're never going to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ever. Even if you wanted to.
What WILL happen if you lift weights is this: you will develop muscle, burn more fat, look toned, become stronger, become healthier, and gain confidence. It's all paired with the proper diet, don't forget.
But let's take my day's worth of meals for example. I usually start my day with a stack of protein pancakes (flourless pancakes that are heavenly) with strawberry sauce. I'll have a huge salad with veggies, grilled chicken, dressing, nuts and fruit. Possibly a delicious protein bar. Maybe a turkey and cheese sandwich with veggies or chips on the side. And dessert.. oh glorious dessert that I wait all day for. The other day I had a tub of rice crispy treats. 3 cups of cereal, 2 cups of marshmallows and butter. Seriously. Or maybe an ice cream sundae, or Pop Tarts, or cheesecake, or 3/4 of a full-size bag of regular-fat white cheddar popcorn. Last week I had a giant cupcake and a cream cheese frosted carrot cake (on different days).
I'm on a cut, so it's certainly different than what I was eating during the bulk, but you see the point that even though I am in a calorie deficit right now, I can still enjoy foods I love. I now get questioned how I eat the kinds of foods I do and stay trim.
Flexible dieting means you can have any kind of food you want as long as it fits your daily macros. It doesn't mean you HAVE to eat "junk food," but at the end of the day, a carb is a carb whether it's from refined sugar or a sweet potato. You can eat "clean food" 100 percent of the time if you want to. Most people who consider themselves IIFYM-ers or flexible dieters, myself included, tend to eat mostly clean with 20% up to choice. This is the most sustainable "diet" out there. It's a lifestyle. I never cheat now- because there is no reason to anymore. If I have a craving, I fit it in, and that's the extent of the mental difficulty.
My life has completely changed. I enjoy working out,
I am eating everything I want and nothing I don't, I am well on my way to the best shape of my life, and I am SO HAPPY. I don't have irrational food fears, no rules like "no eating past 8pm" or "no carbs", etc. and I am thrilled to finally be in control of everything that goes into my body. I know how it all affects me, and I can enjoy food again.
My journey is far from over. I'm moving out of the state and am continuing my cut. We'll see what I can accomplish this year. After the cut is over, the cycle starts over with reverse dieting/bulking to give my muscles a chance to grow, challenge my metabolism, and it's also a mental break where I can enjoy more food.
I have made myself a priority finally. I had never had a vice besides food. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke… my obsession can be my health. My flaw is that I am now becoming uncomfortable eating things I can't guess the nutrients of, because I'm not good at eyeballing yet. So I may turn down social events if I can't look at a menu first or plan my day around the event. I will work on becoming more flexible.
Whew. That's it. That's my journey so far.
Everyone has a story and I would love to hear yours.
It's silly to think that an internet app got me started, but my daily inspiration comes from Instagram. It's hard to find local flexible dieters (I'm the only one I know personally in my area), so I need the virtual connection. It's so motivating to see other people bettering their lives one day at a time.
Follow me on Instagram (EchoVJuliet) for my daily updates/food/makeup/fitness/family and life photos.
